i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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