I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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