Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
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do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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