So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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