I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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