It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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