I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
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How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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