Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
a search helicopter?!
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Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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