Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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