No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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