this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize