I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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