Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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