I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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