No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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