That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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