and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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