Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize