Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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