Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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