I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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