My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
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You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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