Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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