the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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