how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
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I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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