i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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