She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
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you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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