The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
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don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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