p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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