cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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