I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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