Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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