The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
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I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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