If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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