I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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