What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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