I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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