Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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