i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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