just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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