I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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