So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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