These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
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walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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