She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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