I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
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theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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