I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
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I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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