I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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