dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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