i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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