I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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